Another year unfolds, January is about to close, it also means, another opportunity to become a better version of myself. 

But how?

Honestly, the year 2022 ended with an empty thoughts of what am I planning to do in 2023. I used to write down all my "bucket list", my plans, my to-do-list, but nope, I met 2023 empty handed. 

What's getting into me? Well, nothing actually. I just find it depressing whenever I don't get to have what I want, I get frustrated if I cannot realize the things that were written on my list. That's the very reason why I stop writing it down. Instead, I look up, I surrendered everything to Him. Yes, I may have plans but this time I will allow God to have His plans for me. I just have to do the things that I ought to do, no pressure. In this way, I won't be too expectant and I won't have to nurse a broken spirit again once I don't get what I want.

What could be in store for me this 2023? Well, that's something that only God knows.

I am actually excited and I am confident that God will slowly unfold before me all His plans. All I have to do is to perform my daily grind.

My most unforgettable childhood memories were something that I don't want my kids to experience. As young as I was, I was exposed to severe emotional unrest. I was so vulnerable to pain. I was not sold like Joseph but my heart was so full of hatred that I was bringing the pain until I got married. Yes, I'm so overwhelmed with hatred for my father, for his total being, for neglecting his duties, and for having so many kids with different women and yet doing the same thing that he did to us, abandoning his responsibility as a father.

My childhood experience somehow left a myriad of baggage in my heart before. I used to have trust issues with men I got relationships with, much more with my husband. It took me almost a decade before I finally built my trust in him. However, that feeling of uncertainty was still engulfing me. I'm so scared for my kids that is why I kept on reminding my husband of the detrimental effect of having a womanizer father. 

I used to tell myself that I have to be empowered so that whatever may happen I could stand on my own when worst comes to worst with my marriage. But then I realized, it's not about me anymore. I need to consider my kids, their feelings, and their future. That's why it was always my fervent prayer that God will sanctify our marriage and keep it whole till our last breath. 

It is indeed inevitable for people like me to have that fear. But then as time goes by I realized one thing when God reminded me that everything happens for a reason. Then I tried looking back to where I came from. Doing so created so many "WHAT IFS" in my mind.

What if my Mom and Dad didn't break up? How long will we survive? 

What if my Mom endured all the pain? Will she be happier?

What if my Mom didn't stand up for us, where could we possibly be right now?

When my parents broke up, we were separated and scattered. I was already in my third year of high school when we get back together with my Mom and siblings. Such a reunion was never easy. We have so much indifference. Good thing there was a man who played the role of my father- my late Tatay Rene, our stepdad. I would say, Tatay was a total blessing for all of us. He gave up a good life just to be with us. The process was never easy as well with his own family but Tatay was the kind of father that no one would dare to disown him. He was our total confidante, the father that we look up to. 

By then, I still hate my biological father. I still put all the blame on him for all the hardships that  I've gone through when I was still younger. It was Tatay Rene who taught me to release all such hostility. He even asked me to allow my father to walk me down the aisle during my wedding but I blatantly disagree with him coz all I want to be with to take that role was only him and I am so glad that he endured the pain of his feet (coz he's suffering from diabetes during that time).

Barely two years after my wedding, and a day after my birthday, my Tatay Rene passed away. I never came to his wake coz I cannot endure the pain of losing him. Whenever I saw my father, I cannot help but compared him to Tatay. They're both not perfect but Tatay was so responsible and trustworthy.

However, when Mom was petitioned by my younger sister to live with her in the USA and occasionally travel to Canada to visit our elder sister, I realized a lot of things. 

Mom deserves the life that she lived right now and the experience that she enjoyed at the moment. But then she already releases forgiveness to my Dad without the intention of going back to him. She supported him sometimes by giving him financial support when needed. She also keeps on reminding us, especially me, to forgive him because, after all, he is still our father.

I also realized that I have already reached my goal even without his support, and what else should I hate him about? Indeed, I was reminded of Romans 8:28. I've encountered that verse so many times but only now that I realized that it was God's direct message to me many years back. It was meant for my father. I honestly have that sigh of relief when I get to hug him during his birthday last month- that was the first time actually that I deliberately hug him sincerely since the time he left us. The feeling was so hard to explain. And I believe it was complete forgiveness that made me do it. Who am I after all when I, myself, was also a sinner but by the grace of God, I was saved?

This was my reflection. 

Romans 8:28

[28]And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

We, humans, have multiple options to choose on how we live our lives. We can live in harmony with anyone, we can also choose to live with hatred and bitterness and we can also live without care for whatever is happening around us. It depends on us. 

But one thing that we should not forget is that whatever choices we'll be making- we should always consider the consequences. It's pre-knowledge after all. Unique as we are, we can judge our own actions whether what we are doing is correct or not. I wonder how some people find it challenging to live appropriately, and without stepping on someone's rights? I wonder how easy it is for others to mislabel someone for fun? I wonder too how we neglect someone's opinion just simply because we feel superior compared to them? 

We can be silly, we can be bossy but disrespecting others should not be an option. Indeed, RESPECT is important, because, in the absence of it, the world will be in chaos... 

OUR WORLD will be in CHAOS. 

#randomthoughts

Today marks my 20th year of existence with 21 years of experience...

Maturity may not always come with our chronological age, but the way I see myself right now, I can say that I am getting there nevertheless.

I have so many things running on my mind lately- plans, bucket lists, hang-ups, regrets for the things that I should have done yet failed to do, all those what-ifs, and what I would become.

Life these past days taught me a lot of things. Life is meant to be shared, and so does life's experiences. I am just so glad that I was able to interact with students again after two years of modular learning.

Every time I saw the eagerness of my students to learn something new, I felt the need as well to find new challenges for myself- to try something new too!

After 7 years of teaching Technical Drafting (TD), I lost track of what I really want for my students to learn. The resources are just so limited that for 7 years it felt like I am just producing half-baked individuals who might have the theories but were deprived of applications. Even myself isn't improving anymore.

I love TD (that's for sure) but I could tell that it's not really my passion. I'm not always good with drawing figures having technical specifications, and accurate measurements because I always deviate from the standard way of doing it. I am not good at following exact dimensions. So I let my students explore that things-some were successful but most haven't shown their interest.

What really was my passion? I love doing RANDOM things!

Random arts- random sketching, random lettering, random creative ideas, random picture, and video editing.

So I asked my School Head to have a shift in my specialization... something that could unleash my potential, something more practical and more fun to learn- so I've introduced myself to TLE- ILLUSTRATION...

When I read the Curriculum Guide for ILLUSTRATION, I knew right there and then that this is what I really want! I am still trying to learn about it but I want to explore and discover all its possibilities. And I want to do it together with my students...

I may be starting from scratch yet I learned to embrace it and wanted to learn more from it...

Sketching

Lettering/Calligraphy

Painting/Color Rendering

Logo Making

T-shirt designing/layouting

Digital Arts

Microsoft Applications

Photoshop

Canva

bonus track- Video Editing

and more...

Indeed, I am happy on my Birthday.

Thanking God for His wisdom, strength, guidance, and His provisions because, yes, it's an extravagant course hahaha, so help me God.

Lately, I notice that my tolerance to stress is not the same as before. I easily get snapped. I have little patience with mistakes and things that could blow my top. I do not know if this has something to do with my age or just me being hypertensive. But honestly, I just couldn't live such a kind of life anymore. I wanna change my life's perspective, I just don't know where and how to start. 

There are multiple ways to combat stress. Personally, I have many options for myself. One way is by drawing or sketching-it's one of my favorite past times. Even when I am in the middle of stress, if I want to unplug myself from heavy workloads, I just simply got my paper and pencil and then do some doodling or sketching. One sheet is enough then I get back to work, feeling energized. Nevertheless, I thought, it is not enough. 

I am a Drawing teacher and I also have low patience for students who could not follow my instructions very well. I wonder how could they not make a simple line yet be very good at doing something else like mobile gaming. Kids nowadays are very keen when it involves computers, gadgets, and other IT-related activities. They're so good at it that I just could not connect their being genius in mobile gaming yet not good in doodling. Though there are some who could really deliver such an impressive output but still, as a teacher, I want all of them to perform well in my class. 

That is why at home, I see to it that my eldest son knows how to draw even if like any other kid, was also into mobile gaming. But his choice of games was different though. He likes trivia, quizzes, puzzles, and games that involve building, creating, and leveling up. I am not really familiar with some games other than my Township, my Coin Masters, and my Wordscape. Those are my kind of games. He likes it too but somehow easily gets bored with it. He used to find me playing Candy Crush before but discourage me, telling me that it was another boring, dragging game. 

My son is very keen when it comes to computer search and navigation. I learned from him what website to go to when I want to watch free movies. Now, he introduces me to another site that was loaded with a lot of games, See, that's how resourceful he is. Since I always complained to him about downloading and installing games on my phone which have limited memories so he told me that games found in plays.org don't need to be installed. Curious enough since I also want to learn what he is playing on our computer, we visited the site together and played some games like the Science Quiz, which took us 5 attempts to get a score of 48 over 50. Well, at least I learned some trivia too! We also tried the faster or slower game and learned some trivia too like a rabbit is faster than a bear? Seriously? But we do both have a good laugh about it.

Science Quiz (Educational)

  

Faster or Slower, that's our score LOL!

my Personal favorite!

As a Mom, and a teacher at the same time, it is also good if we are aware of how our kids cope with stress as well. Young as they are, they can also feel some burden especially now that face-to-face classes are back amidst the pandemic. We must encourage them to cope it creatively but of course with our guidance. If we need to play with them, then let's do it. Letting them know that we are just right here within their reach, they will feel better. If we allow them to deal with it on their own, we might be surprised how the internet lured them to things beyond our imagination.

So, now we're on to the next game! So many categories to choose from after all!

To the most influential person in my life, Happiest birthday! I know you won't get to read this because you're not even following my blog, but to those who will be able to read this, today is my Mom's 65th birthday!

Indeed, God has been so faithful in her life and I couldn't thank God enough for what He has done to her. My Mom deserves the kind of life that she's living right now. I am also thankful to my baby sister who has been the instrument of my Mom's better life condition. he deserves it more than anyone else. All the hardship that she went through is beyond compare, I would say. She's so strong that she was able to surpass it all! I am praying that Mom would live longer, that she'll enjoy her life more as she ages.

To you, Mom cheers to a good life and more adventures for you and Jenny. Love you both!