Call me ugly, call me fat but never call me anything that does not hold true about me... One more thing, never judge me just because I made a simple honest mistake... If I did something wrong and I felt guilty about it, I will not make any violent reaction. To remain silent is much more justifiable than give alibis in defending yourself. HOWEVER, if the accusation was pure lie, that's another story. To rebut is not wrong as long as your intention is just to erase the judgment that some people may throw against you. To remain silent about it will only made you appear to be really guilty of the things you never did. That should not be the case, whatsoever. God told me to be humble always no matter what. But I believe that God gave me wisdom to correct what is needed to be corrected and to prove the wrong things that they thought about me. If I'll just keep silent, what would be the implication? They will just continue to believe what they thought I really am. I cannot allow that to happen. Sometimes, we just have to defend ourselves not just by actions, but by words as well. But of course, we need to do that in a manner that is not offending to them, or else, all your labor and effort will be in vain...

Lord, I am not doing this because I have something to brag (I knew I have nothing to brag about) but I am doing this to keep them reminded that NOT AT  ALL TIMES they are on the right reason even if they thought they were... and that they need to be corrected because human as they are, the fact remains that they are not perfect... And also for them to realize that we are not invincible from pain and depression. 

Duh! what a day!

Responsibilities according to the Word Web is defined as "The social force that binds you to the courses of action demanded by that force"... ouch! while searching for its definition, I can feel the burden. I am not saying that I am against with that word. It just so happen that when I was challenged with my responsibilities, I felt helpless. Why? because I do not have the means to carry that responsibilities. And what exactly I mean when I say "means"? Well. I don't feel like elaborating it here. I just want to express my feeling right now in a subtle way. Again and again, it made my day awful by just merely thinking about it. 

Well, I know for a fact that I am not the only one who went through his kind of dilemma... but hey, it's quite too heavy for me to bear... And the sad fact was that, the people whom you have expected to , shall I say, be with you in this kind of ordeal, they are equally helpless to help you. They do not have the "means" as well. 

Buh! where is my God? maybe He could help... not unless, He deliberately allow me to feel this way... therefore,  He just let me have this feeling until I  totally gave up everything and surrender it back to Him... (Easier said than done) We already have that intimate conversation the other night, I slept at 2am. I talked to Him, however, I wasn't able get the chance of listening to His responses... my hands is so full... my mind is so preoccupied and my heart is restless. And now, alone and so lonely... I can hear the rain drops... and I can feel the warmth of my tear drops. 

Lord, make me whole... 

Sometimes, life is hard to deal with. 

Circumstances overwhelmed us, no matter how we tried to find joy in the midst of trouble, it's hard and even harder if we are being pressured. 

They said, in order to survive we need to overcome all the life's issues and concerns.
The kind of people whom we dealt with everyday, are the same people who may break or make our day.
They are the people who may lift us up or put us down.
The real challenge that we need to overcome is ourselves.
How we deal with pressures affects our emotion, our attitude and our thoughts.
How we deal with others matters most.
Reality check. People are tend to be insensitive.
Dealing with those kind of people is far more harder than dealing with a fool.
What a gloomy day!

Sometimes we are consumed with our thoughts and emotions. Oftentimes, they do not get along well with each other. In other words, we are in the state of confusion... I used to believe that something good is about to happen to me, I used to feel it though I cannot deny the fact that my mind does not agree with me. I am pessimistic by nature. I do not believe in fate nor in destiny. "Come what may" was the trend that I used to follow. However when I came across the word "faith" I decided to change my perspective in life. But it's not that easy as I thought it would be. My old belief used to haunt me, telling me that everything is about luck, a game of chance. At my age, I do not find myself emotionally stable, I do not consider myself mature. I do not even know what I really want in life. Frustrations is within my reach. I easily get discourage, I easily lose hope. I became overly sensitive. At work, I always aim for perfection but the more I strive for it, the more I am overwhelmed with challenges. They used to tell me I am good but deep inside I know I am a failure. Was my mind and heart pulling me down or I am just too perfectionist that I forgot my limitation as a human being? I felt so exhausted and yet accomplish only a few. I wonder what life would be if I stop dreaming? Maybe then and only then I can have that peace of mind that I long to have or maybe I just stop from expecting too much to ease the pain that it might caused me.I used to ask God what He really want for me. I used to ask Him to reveal all His plan He set for me. I used to claim His words in Jeremiah 29:11... but it seems like bleak and difficult.I am not questioning His Sovereignty, I just cannot comprehend (or maybe I just refused to do so). My impatience is pulling me down. I appeared to be strong yet deep inside I am lost. I just do not know what lies ahead of me. I cannot picture it out. I am emotionally disturbed. Have I done something that caused God to delay all His plans for me? Lately I felt so weak and helpless. I felt like giving up. There is something that I want but I just do know what exactly it was. I wish I could read God's mind but I was reminded that my thought is not His thought and my ways is not His ways. I have so many setbacks in life and frankly speaking, I do not know how to overcome it all.

Love… at its worst

Getting into a serious relationship is not just a piece of a cake… you need to know where you are going… you need to be aware whom you are dealing with… you need to realize where you are leading…You just need to know everything. We need to take precautionary measures to avoid possible damages in the end.

But these things are much easier said than done. There’s a point in our relationship where we just can’t let go even if we’re hurting. This is the case where what we really feel is more than what we can express. I would say, true love? But the sad thing about it was when we are expecting for the same intensity in return but to our dismay it never happened. All we’ve got are frustrations, false hopes, white lies, a blank stare and a sigh. How pathetic it may sound for somebody begging to be love in return… it’s not suppose to be that way. Love should be a two-way process… well everybody is aware of that basic truth though others choose to ignore. It’s just hard to accept.

But somehow we need to deal with our “too strongly attached” emotion. We need to justify our feeling. We need to stand up and be ready to fight. If it’s not meant to be so let it be! We have to let go! We have to learn to do so. We should be fair with ourselves. After those many chances that were given to them, it has to end! Getting hurt is just a normal thing, time heals. We need not listen to what our heart tells us all the time, let our mind speaks. Again, I may stress that these things are easier said than done. But it is possible! We need to justify ourselves. We are somebody who deserves the best of what we expect to happen. We deserve to be love. If we believe that we have done our best yet remain unnoticed, let go! It’s not our lost. There must be somebody else who needed our love the most so we should not linger to someone who doesn’t even know the essence of relationship, someone who cannot spell out and describe love profoundly. And who knows, the one who needed our love the most is just around the corner waiting to be noticed.

Tip: Find a God-fearing partner and you will really feel blessed... ☺