December Feels

It's funny I've got this odd feelings of I don't know. I usually get thrilled when it's the last month of the year- yeah, December. However, I've got this weird feeling of wanting to hibernate, hide and not be found. I just felt so heavy inside. Am I exhausted? Maybe. I could even find myself in tears randomly. I want to shout to the whole world how my life seems not falling into places. I felt so damn heavy but I just couldn't express it. I want to shut myself from people but I just can't since I felt so obligated to work for the rest of my life.

And the funny thing is I've got no one to confide all this heaviness I felt inside. No, not my family, they already have a  burden to carry I just don't want to add up to what they might be going through as well, not even with my friends. The life I have right now is full of pretentions. I pretended to be okay, to be cool, to be fine-but honestly NO, I'M NOT. I'm not totally okay. 

Somebody might question my faith- Yes, God knows what I've been through right now. I even question my faith as well. Am I really have that faith or the life I have right now is just so overwhelming.

I think I'm a failure.

I failed as a Mom

I even thought I failed as a teacher, a worker, an employee.

My kids? I failed them as well. 

I failed in so many areas of my life.

How about my husband. No, he won't understand and he never will be.

I just failed as a person. I have so many regrets that I know I can't take back. I can't undo the time. That is why I am kind of mad of myself because I failed myself. All my dreams will always be just a dream. My life is too far from what I have dreamed of when I was a kid. Far from what I have imagined in my teenage years.

I don't know why my thoughts are so filled with pessimism.

But all I know is I AM TIRED.