Losing the Consistency

Currently, my heart wasn't right, yes, it just didn't feel right. Sensitive as I am, this could go on for days. Good thing my mind was preoccupied with the projects for my post-grad subject. How I wish I could undo the feelings I felt right now. I have remorse for those insensitive people that surrounds me. I thought I was getting better but I was wrong.

Regrets are one thing that I dread the most when I was still single. Honestly, I have so many regrets in my life. From my choice of career before, the things that I should have done but failed to do, and then now my marriage. I thought I get stronger with time, but I guess I was totally wrong. 

Apart from infidelity, the worst thing that could ever happen to a woman was when she felt unwanted, unloved, and disrespected by the person whom she thought would be her only confidante, her biggest support. That feeling where you felt like you were just being used the whole time. Who could survive a lifetime with that kind of hostility? How I wish I have listened to the wisdom of my Mom. How I wish I have been broken back then than been broken forever. How I wish I could escape from this kind of reality as easily as I can.

BUT I JUST CAN'T.

I can't allow my children to suffer what I've been through growing up in a broken family. They're still too young to understand my situation. They're still too young to carry the burden. There hasn't been a year since I got married that I haven't helped myself from crying out of frustration, desperation, and yes, regrets. For 11 years now I have been carrying this burden. I thought I could live with it but I doubt I can.

I've done my best to be a better wife, and a better Mom but I guess I fall short of his expectations. I don't know, I really don't know. Instead of bringing out the BEST in me, I think I became the worst version of myself. The once jolly, vibrant me became an irritable, grumpy woman who seems to go through a mid-life crisis. 

Right now I felt so tired of trying harder to become the best. I am so exhausted, stressed, and not happy anymore. I remember how happy I was back then on the day of our wedding but little by little we're losing the consistency of a better marriage. Ours is far from ideal, far from the fairytales-like marriage. Ours is something that if God would give me another life in another time, I will make sure that I won't go back to where I am right now, that I would choose a different path, and with different people to invest my emotion with. All I have right now is an envy for those women my age who are happily married to their partners. I really thought he is the one for me, but maybe I was just so stubborn back then that I lost sight of reality. I thought LOVE conquers all and LOVE covers a multitude of sins but sadly, I do not have the tolerance and the patience anymore.  All the more my heart was hardened because never in our married life that he apologized verbally for every pain he caused me, never did I remember. He has his other way of showing how sorry he was but for me, that was never enough, because he never learned from his mistakes after all.

Enough of life's drama. I am so tired. Let's see where the rest of the days would take me- the future is too bleak for me- I have to wait for my children to come to an age where they will understand everything- that is if I could still hold on to God's promise of a better tomorrow.

NOTE: This was originally written in the future, the 6th of September 2022, the day where I felt hurt for a very shallow reason. But I just have to revert the date back to the day when we get married. Yes, it was TODAY, this very day, April 28, 2011. I want to reminisce about the day I took my vow... I want to reminisce about the promise I made that for better or for worse, I need to stay committed to this relationship.